First Post in a Few Months
So it’s been about 4 months since I created the blogs and low and behold here, I am with some excuse of why I didn’t keep up with it.
Instead of spewing a laundry list of reasonable and relatable factors that have kept me away, I’ll just smoothly move on to a new entry.
We are now just on the cusp of the Covid Vaccines, and I’m still struggling to maintain a steady pace of work, either paying or volunteers for content. So, I’ve been doing my own modeling for my FB and IG, and now TikTok (but that’s another blog post).
Here’s the tricky thing, I have never been comfortable in front of a camera, and I have never been confident with my own body. Being my own model doesn’t sound the best idea, does it?
But I’ve learned to stop hating myself so much, and just learn to relax. The anxiety can be read on my body like the book I recently posed with.
Long legs, with knobby knees. Big hands, with fingers resembling spider legs. Not to mention my most prized negative feature of RBF (resting b*tch face).
As a woman I’ve also dealt with the constant phrase “you’d be so pretty if you just smiled more” and I still hear these comments when I preview my own posed photography.
Today’s society hasn’t made my anxiety and body negativity any easier. Even if you’re thin, it’s not thin enough or it’s too thin and sickly. My tattoos are “cheap” and “scratchy”, or “stupid” and “childish”.
As I pride myself on not using “too much photoshop” I can’t help but change my own complexion in my photos to hide my blemishes that resemble a teenager through puberty.
I crave for the attention, the flattery for the art, but also for the compliments on the model (me), in hopes that it might cure my relentless pain that only my own self issues can relieve.
While modeling for my page helps me keep up with the constant demand for new content on my social media pages, I have noticed a small change in my confidence. All the while I sit with my anxiety and negative connotations, there is a part of me that is embracing a bit of these moments. Finding comfort in front of the lens and the courage to post them online to be judged by the world.
